Choreography of SMS-based Relationships

“We all exist in a multi-coloured matrix of communication channels. This includes the entire range of social media, voice calls, emails, and the hugely popular Short Messaging Service (SMS). Whether we like it or not, we’re all involved in a dance…

often not of our own making”. rm

SMS communication operates on multiple levels ranging from business to personal.

In this first article let’s get personal and explore the role of the SMS in a classical man-woman liaison.

Opening Assumptions:

My first assumption is that the man is the Hunter, especially when it comes to dating.

OK! I know, I know … but it’s not a bad starting point for a short article, otherwise the ramifications are endless.

My second assumption is that women are more sensitive to subtle shades of meaning when it comes to SMS communication. Using your name or not could be significant.

My third assumption is that other levels of interaction exist together with the sms … meetings, phone calls, emails etc.

General:

In a potentially good partner match, sms communication unfolds naturally and with minimum game-playing. The pattern of sms communication is predictable and there is reciprocity in terms of message tone and response times. Pattern tends towards progressive engagement as opposed to confusion and breakdown.

Where doubt or fear exists, engagement is unpredictable in terms of content tone and delayed response. Here one partner simply cannot predict when the next sms will pop up nor what the person will say. The response can range from polite, bland and non-committal to one that is bold, personal and romantic.

Non response is a response:

The upside of SMS’s are many, the best of which include instant communication, brevity and low cost.

It can also be a fairly reliable barometer of a relationship, especially in the early phase of courtship.

Non acknowledgement is quite common, but if She does not resonate with Him, She will simply not respond to his SMSs. Full stop.

If she’s unsure or insecure she may severely delay her responses and retreat to her Sacred space to hide behind that mythical stone wall.

Second guessing is inevitable.

Is she being coy, constructive and possibly cautious or is she revealing a vehement dislike?

Silence, like absence can be brutal!

You’d better understand her message dear Hunter, or suffer the consequences!

Men often just don’t get it, and suffer unnecessarily!

Remember Osho Zen’s: ‘All suffering comes from the non-acceptance of what is’?

SMS weaknesses:

• Misunderstanding. This is invariably based on assumption and is a common reaction of the Receiver. Never assume anything! According to The Four Agreements (Don Miguel Ruiz), assumption is a deadly sin! Even potentially compatible partners can lose each other by leaping to incorrect assumptions. (OK! I know, but I declared my opening assumptions for reasons of clarity).
• The SMS is vulnerable to technical delays which can range from seconds to days! These delays, of which neither party is aware, can seriously interrupt the flow of a relationship. Faulty technology can effectively sabotage positive human intention.
• Deception. In an SMS it is relatively easy to lie and get away with it. “What?!! Didn’t you get my sms?” or “What time did you say you SMS’d me?!!”  Best not assume anything … let the Good Lord do the judging!
•  Non delivery. As with delays, the cause can be technical, and can wreak relationship havoc when the Sender believes he or she has sent a message which remains undelivered. In fact it’s far easier to check that an SMS has been sent than actually delivered! I would guess that many promising partnerships have been shipwrecked on the shores of non-delivery!
• A further complication is that the Sender cannot easily receive confirmation of the sent message unless the Receiver concedes.
• The free BlackBerry messenger service (BBM) is excellent in this area. In BBM to BBM communication one can see (by a little ‘R’) if the Receiver has Read (or at least opened!) the message. This provides often vital information and is one key reason why BlackBerry is so popular. This is the Short Messenging Service taken to the next level of sophistication.
• Spelling in an SMS is drastically abbreviated. While it speeds up texting, it can sometimes lead to miscommunication.
• The very short nature of the message can also compound problems of misunderstanding. Too short can be as dangerous as too long.
• SMS as a shield: One can hide behind the SMS  level of communication, and refuse to come out and engage more fully with the potential recipient. This goes beyond tactical delaying of responses. Making a voice to voice call takes courage, especially in the early phase.

I suspect that any relationship with a sliver-chance of success must include voice to voice communication.

In a voice to voice call, the communicators come face to face with each other in real time, and this requires a more challenging, hopefully honest level of engagement.

Whether man or woman, fortune invariably favours the brave.

These are just some SMS drawbacks in a channel of communication rich with possibilities.

Patterns of Communication:

Let’s now take a look at the Receiver/Sender pattern of SMS’s. Ignoring technical delays, the two-way pattern of SMS communication itself presents a mysterious dance form, often difficult to decode.

If one is courting a potentially suitable suitor ;-) the varying intentional delays in mutual SMSing represent a form of choreography … a mating dance if you will.

This is especially evident in the early phase of a relationship. The dance can range from slow cheek to cheek intimacy (constantly evolving communication), to one partner spinning away from (or being spun away by) the other to perform a solo dance for a while. It’s a way of saying ‘Keep your distance. I need my space’.

If the Sender wishes to keep the other at a respectable distance ‘for further observation’, then SMS delays may be long and unpredictable.

Of course one could speak of bad manners when it comes to delays or zero acknowledgement. However in the mating dance, diplomacy takes a back seat to brutal honesty!

Texting:

As a barometer of resonance, ‘word count’ alone is a poor measure. By sending a simple Emoticon one can orchestrate an entire range of emotions!  Sending a simple Kiss or Hug could shake the recipient’s world … Fate is delivered symbolically, with one push of the button!

Yet well written lines have their place in this dance!

With the SMS there is plenty of space to allow the full beauty of language to flow through … the crafting of words by which one can exquisitely honour and interact with another. In this sense the SMS can be a beautiful vehicle for the delivery of quality thought and feelings.

The Short Messaging Service is a communication channel fraught with pitfalls and yet packed with potential.

Here lies another great paradox.

The Truth is that the SMS has probably destroyed as many relationships as it has given birth to.

Like any instrument, it is our responsibility to learn the rules, pay attention and observe the patterns without making assumptions and losing faith.

To dance well requires self-acceptance and positive energy!

Stay fully charged!

Written By Roger Metcalfe for SA Men Online

Roger Metcalfe is a writer with a special interest in the psychology of relationships, the environment, technology and medicine.  He is an ex-diplomat, former TV producer and currently runs his own business in the field of alternative energy solutions. He is currently reading for his Masters in Filmic Communication. He can be contacted at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.